I have tried to write this post a good few times now and I have been so close to uploading but then last minute I have deleted the post. Every single time I get too nervous but I am so fed up of putting time and effort into writing the same post over and over again. I said in a previous blog post that I wanted to be more real and honest so here goes. 

I have been on ten plus shoots since last year and I can honestly say all, but one of them, have been great. The shoot that I am talking about that didn't go so well is the first proper one I did. I was contacted by an Aberdeen photographer through Instagram and after a few messages back and forth a photoshoot was organised. To be honest there were quite a few red flags before the shoot actually happened, I was just naive and ignored them. So for future reference, if a photographer messages you at 4am - don't reply. If they start sending x's and attempting to flirt, don't reply. If they constantly ask for photos of you in the outfits ( I was scheduled to wear bralets and a body ) even though you have already sent photos of the clothes. And if they ask if your flatmates going to be out and you're going to be home alone, don't reply. Basically if you get a hint of creepy, do not reply.

The whole photoshoot was just weird. I felt so trapped, and at points I couldn't even speak, I felt defenceless. No one should ever feel like this, especially in your own home. At one point the photographers camera was on my crotch ( I was lying down ) and if you stop and think about it, thats not an attractive angle - double chins for days. So why the hell was his hand and camera there. His hand was also on my upper thigh and I honestly felt like if I hadn't said that we should start to wrap that he would have pounced. Once the shoot was finished he then said he always hugged his models ( RED FLAG ) and you know when you hug someone that you don't really know, you go in for a side hug kind of thing, well I did that. But he went in for a full, rubbing my back, cuddling into my shoulder hug. Then as I opened the door for him to leave he did the same again. I was holding the door open at this point so my arm was out, but because he went in for a full bear hug he basically pulled my arm down so the door closed. As soon as he left, one of my old friends came over and I had one of the worst panic attacks that I have ever had, this was due to the photoshoot and also the fact that my friend, who was meant to phone me after an hour of shooting so he could come over and make sure I was alright, fell asleep and never phoned.

There were more things that happened during the photoshoot to make me feel on edge, it wasn't just the camera on my crotch, the weird cuddling or the messages before hand. Obviously there were more things that happened during the shoot but this isn't a fun topic for me, remembering about a time when someone had that much power over me. So I just want to leave out the details.

I have had so much support from my friends over the past year and I know that if I hadn't had that support I wouldn't be writing this post. Being able to talk about it freely with the other Aberdeen Bloggers and my closest friends helped me more than I could ever have asked for.

I want to finish this off by saying that while I was naive, this isn't behaviour that should be expected, or tolerated. I regret that photoshoot so much, it was one of the worst decisions I have ever made and it has scarred me to say the least. I have to see this guy walking around Aberdeen on a near daily basis, and knowing that he did this to me and also others makes me feel sick. I do want to say though, don't let this put you off taking smaller photoshoots because this is only one sick little man, in a sea of great, kind and professional photographers. 

I don't like having any negativity on my blog but this is something I needed to talk about.


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